Enough

Sometimes, you are given something when you least expect it but it suddenly fills a need you didn’t realize was there. This poem did it for me tonight.

“Enough” by Danna Faulds

It’s enough to offer love, no matter how imperfectly received or given. It’s enough to try and fail at a difficult task; enough to fall and rise, stumble, fall again, sigh and start to walk, however slowly, in the direction the soul points. It’s enough to seek peace and find pain, to gain nothing but a vision of truth and take the long route home.

It’s enough to feel temptation, the dance of the senses, the hot pull of desire; enough to call on God, walk through fire, sleep and cry and fear or welcome dying. It’s enough to be and breathe, to feel the touch of wind on skin.

It’s enough to take the day as it comes, to watch the ripples on the lake as the rock sinks to the bottom, to see the wild reflection of the surface calm into a mirror once again. It’s enough to hear the voice of fear and hide – or seek it out and face the shame or shadows. It’s enough to set out to tame demons and watch them multiply instead. It’s enough to be buffeted by the winds of change and not blown over. I and you and all of us, more than enough.

2012

Goodbye 2011! You were good to me most of the time. I wish that I didn’t have to live through most of your days but I did. For all of it, I am stronger. My prizes are more than worth it. You know what I mean. I made a leap and found such joy in something I was afraid to want. I found something else that I had ignored for a while. Something so precious that I almost let go of.  And through it all, I have now discovered what happiness I had all along with me.

For all my family and friends, I wish you a wonderful new year. Whether 2011 has been good or bad or mediocre for you, I ask that you bid it farewell. Look forward to better days and hope for more happy discoveries. Be brave and go with the flow of life. Breathe in and out, pick yourself up and see yourself through. You owe yourself that much. I don’t have to remind you that life is precious. So cherish it all.

I’ll leave you with this:

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.”
-T.S. Eliot, “Little Gidding”

Happy New Year!

Tidings

“There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures.”

– William Shakespeare

As we grow older, the holidays at the end of year seem to become such a whirl of nostalgia.  Every adult I know, speaks of Christmasses gone by, how good it used to be and how it will never be the same. I became that adult some years ago when my teenage cousins and I started seeing less of each other and more of their friends. I don’t blame them. It was a path we all naturally took as we got older.

We had such wonderful Christmasses, with caroling around the neighborhood, dancing around the tall Christmas tree we had in our front yard (dad lighted it with such patience), self-hosted lucky dips of little prizes we bought with our “club” fund (oh, do you remember those little styrofoam balls people used for fake snow? the vacuuming mess after!) and late night suppers after midnight mass. I barely scratched the surface of those good times and we are forever indebted to our folks who made our holidays together so memorable!

Things will truly never be the same again. The 8 of us have added partners and offspring and we live on 3 different continents. Who knows when (or where!) we will ever get back together again to celebrate Christmas and the holidays.

I miss you DCG but this year, I’m excited to celebrate Christmas and the New Year. Sagan’s arrival into this world has made each day worth celebrating. I constantly remind myself of how lucky I am. If I had a chance to ask Santa for what I wanted last year, I don’t think I could have dreamt him up. To me, he is perfect.

And so, my dear loved ones, family and friends, near and far, our little family would like to wish you a most wonderful Christmas and a New Year filled with many moments of joy.

Growing

Have you seen the Google Chrome ad that shows a dad writing notes, saving videos and photos that he sends to his daughter? That got me all teary. In a Kodak-Paul Anka kind of way. If you grew up in the 70’s you’ll know what I’m referring to. It inspired me to do something similar for S.

I take a lot of photos and videos of Sagan every day and I keep little notes here and there about things I’d remember about him being at this age.  The pictures that I take of him are sorted chronologically in Flickr but I wanted to create a set so as to see his weekly progression. It’s been interesting to see how he’s grown over the last 16 weeks and makes me a little sentimental about him never being so tiny again. *insert momma maudlin face*

I do my best and take in every moment. I enjoy him as he grows each day and look forward to all the new things he will try. Mostly, I can’t wait for the day when he will show me things that I would have never imagined.

Grow my little one, daddy and I are standing by you every step of the way!

Hello World, it’s Sagan!

We are home with our little guy – meet Sagan Alexander. He has single-handedly rocked my world (as well as M’s).

He arrived on July 31, at 7lb 8.6 oz and 20″ long.

Courage and 37 weeks (almost!)

I haven’t taken a belly shot in 2 weeks. I’m still expecting this little guy. Tomorrow, I will be at 37 weeks. Before becoming pregnant, I always had fears about what might go wrong with a pregnancy, so much so that I almost wished my way out of becoming a mum. What a mistake that would have been! Somehow, it has taken several missteps and falls before I arrived at today. Belly plump with a full term baby, I am now fully aware of how I must be brave if I want to be a part of this world, to be an active participant in my life.

I want to share this passage from poet David Whyte that I found on Oprah.com:

Can I live a courageous life?

If you look at the root of the word “courage,” it doesn’t mean running under the machine-gun bullets of the enemy, wearing a Sylvester Stallone headband, with glistening biceps and bandoliers of ammunition around one’s neck. The word “courage” comes from the old French word coeurmeaning “heart.” So “courage” is the measure of your heartfelt participation in the world.

Human beings are constantly trying to take courageous paths in their lives: in their marriages, in their relationships, in their work and with themselves. But the human way is to hope that there’s a way to take that courageous step—without having one’s heart broken. And it’s my contention that there is no sincere path a human being can take without breaking his or her heart.

There is no marriage, no matter how happy, that won’t at times find you wanting and break your heart. In raising a family, there is no way to be a good mother or father without a child breaking that parental heart. In a good job, a good vocation, if we are sincere about our contribution, our work will always find us wanting at times. In an individual life, if we are sincere about examining our own integrity, we should, if we are really serious, at times, be existentially disappointed with ourselves.

So it can be a lovely, merciful thing to think, “Actually, there is no path I can take without having my heart broken, so why not get on with it and stop wanting these extra-special circumstances which stop me from doing something courageous?”

I am ready for the next step, to become someone’s parent, mother. Not because I know that I can do it but because I now know that it’s normal to be afraid but still be brave enough to take all of it on. It will be worth my life, my time, my heart and all.

34 weeks

Happy Friday!

Technically 6 more weeks to go before this little guy takes his first breath, ironically it will be while I hold mine watching him. I had a special treat this week. At a recent ultrasound, we got to see his little face. I think he has my cheeks. We’ll see. But just to see that face, that was enough. I really cannot imagine how I’ll react to meeting him in person.

Lately, I am trying to get as much rest or sleep as I can but it’s not easy to get comfortable. I keep telling myself that I can do it, after all so many other generations of women have done it.  I get breathless quickly, I can’t walk very fast or far, bending over is almost an ordeal, especially when I forget that I have this weight strapped to the front of me.

The baby shower last Sunday was wonderful. The ladies showered me with every type of good vibe and lots of laughter. They presented so many generous gifts and it got me thinking about what I still needed for baby. As a result I’ve been shopping for all the essentials. Once that big delivery arrives, we should be ready to welcome the boy.

In the meantime, I’m working hard to download as much work knowledge as possible before I leave this job. I am also listening to this cute album by Lori Henriques.

Also, even though I haven’t blogged too much about what I’ve been eating, I am eating good. I never eat bad with mum around. She made homemade soy milk this week and the taste of it transported me back in time. Yum.

I’m doing good and I hope that you are all well too. Until next week’s bump shot…be well!

32.5 weeks

I’m actually 33 weeks today but I took this pic a few days ago.  I was feeling a little tired that morning and I think I was coming down with a cold or allergies. My head now feels like it’s filled with cotton balls. I hope I feel better soon because I have a busy weekend ahead – birthing class, pick out new paint color for nursery and my baby shower! I’ve put together baby showers for my friends before but never have I thought that I would actually have one thrown for me. It will just be great to see some of the girls that I used to work with.

The little guy is still very active and every day he seems to get stronger. I have started going for weekly non-stress tests to monitor his heart rate/activity and he seems to be sneaky when we are monitoring him. He stays extra calm as if he doesn’t want to be heard. So to ensure that he “performs” correctly for the test, I had to tickle him. Still, because it was a morning test, he was not as active as he usually is at about 6 in the evening and throughout the night.  Anyhow he did respond when prodded so all is well.

Well, here I am, another week closer. It won’t be long now but that is what I’ll be saying for the next few weeks so bear with me, yah?

31.5 weeks

I still cannot believe how time has been flying by. I know that this is a typical lament on this blog but with this pregnancy, it’s become more evident. I guess it’s not really a complaint, it’s more of an astute observation.

My bump looks a little smaller than in last week’s picture but baby boy Siem is about the size of a Napa cabbage. He is extremely active and particularly likes to wiggle when I’m unwinding for the day.  Last week, I learned that I measure at 35 weeks even though I’m barely 32 weeks. I tell the doctor that it might have to do with my pre-pregnancy belly size but  I guess they just want to be cautious that he is not getting too big from my gestational diabetes. The good side to this is that I will get to see him again in 2 weeks on ultrasound. I look forward to this u/s, especially since at this stage, I don’t need to have a partially full bladder (thank God! I almost died of having to pee at the 22 week scan).  At the end of this, I just want him to be as healthy as possible. So I do whatever I can, in my power to help this.

Both M and I are getting more excited and silently nervous. We are starting to realize that this baby is going to come soon into our lives.

On some days all I can think is “Wow! I can’t believe that we are really going to get this lucky…”